There really is only one winter month in the north and it’s called Kesagami!!!
.
KESAGAMI LEGENDS.
New moon, Friday March 9th, good and brisk at a “feels like” -31C and all gear accounted for Bren and I drove across the river to meet up with the good folks over in Tozerville. John and Dale Tozer of Bushland Air were found on the ice strip readying their 206 and which would shuttle us over to the big lake for some fizishin’. Johnny Turner would be the pilot for the first trip in of the season… that is, first trip for anyone. BOOOYAH!
Over the summer the plane got a new engine, so John turned that mutha over and we were airborne in no time. Some folks who had booked to go fishing over the past couple weeks had backed out due to the cold… ever wimps! Ahh kidding, it was frickin’ cold.
We touched down on the lake to find the snow not deep at all and better yet, no slush. Perfect. No signs of life ever having been there either. Little wind in the air the day was cold and mainly cloudy, but as the day would go on the weather would switch all over the place. One hour sunny, the next cloudy with flurries.
Bren and I set up. For pike, 10-12 inch fallfish on quickstrikes or chunks of fallfish on big spoons. For eyes it was jigging spoons with live shiners. The guns were loaded.
While I was drilling Bren got into the walleye within minutes. The process of setting up took me longer than I could remember. Worked up a wicked pit to back to bum drip, and with steam coming off my nog I was panting like a dog. Finally got everything finished around 10:40am. I have a method, but it seems the arse is slowing down as the years go by.
I got back to our walleye area, put a lure and minnow on, dropped and before it hit the bottom of like 18 inches of water I had a peyekeral. Some sick shit peeps. Ha!
11:00am on the nose and for me the bell tolls, so I’m off and running to the east. Big fish time!
.
Feisty buggah!!! I get some reel peel, some shakage and bakage below the ice. Digging the set-ups created for this year, it’s nice to have rods with reels that act like perfect tip-downs. I felt all his moves and countered with a few of my own. It was real Travolta versus Bacon Saturday Night Footloose kinda scene.
.
DRUM ROLL DOOOOOOOODS!!!
.
Up comes a teenaged 35 incher. A rebellious zit face caught in the act, he was totally under-dressed for the cold weather so he received a quick f”lashing” before being grounded back to a warm room in the basement.
I barely had time to reset my whipping stick when the bell rang again. Big brutha was home and in one real foul ass mood. Little did he know the “Chuck Norris” was still flowing through my veins so when he stupidly decided to take a bite out of me I turned around, charged and drove an upper-cutting treble deep into his yap. “YO MOFO!! YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME!” I says….. But Chuck would never swear like that.
.
Big Brutha pike did in fact want a piece. He was all like Pike-Fu and Pikarate under the ice. A few times I felt his kicks and blows when the wussy wasn’t trying to run from me. May have lost an imaginary tooth but after a spirited battle my “Chuckness” was not to be “fawked-with,” and I did what any good fishing Ninja God would do… I pinned him in the hole then smacked him in the kisser.
.
ONE…….. TWO…….. THREE!!!
There’s the count and here’s the trophy.
.
40 inches of CHUNKY MONKEY… take that.
And Ohhhhh Yeah!!…. the belt looks good on me too.
.
All is chill again after awhile. Actually, I’m quite chilled. The sweat before the cold didn’t work out. Figure it’s lunchtime and some hot chinook-scallop-crab-clam chowder on the Coleman oughtta warm das bones.
Ohhh, but wait…???… Before I can get the kitchen stove out Bren’s got something sizzling under the ice.
My lovely wife after giving a good stir reaches into the pot and pulls out….
…. A 35 INCH HOT DOG. YUMMY ME SAYS… lets keep him for a plank on the barby.
.
Turned out the regulator for the stove was pretty close to shot. We ended up being only able to cook one bowl of chowder for the both of us, and that took about 1 1/2 hours. I had my half bowl with a Moosehead and some banana bread.
Recharged, Energizer’d and EverReady’d Bren and I got back to catching feesh. Lots of these happy scrappy’s were shopping around our neighbourhood Dimestore.
.
We were minding our business sitting back enjoying the walleye-ness of Kesagami, when a couple nasty, nasty, bad mannered skank pike came cruising down our street. Bren, whom is quite well trained in the art of Pike-Kwon-Jitsu, kept her cool and calmly said to me, “I’ll take care of these little shits.”
Choosing her jiggin’ rod equipped with a small spoon and ten enormous pounds of Power Pro she slapped the first pike in the mouth and said, “you likey pikey? Whan summore!”
Ohhhhh and it was soooo ON!!! They traded slaps, pulled the 10lb hair, screamed at the top of the reel, but near end of this hot mudslinger, Bren summoned her inner Wonder Woman and sexy redboot-roundhoused pike beeyotch number one into the atmosphere just before garbbing her by the chin in a Darth death grip.
.
“YOU LOSE LOSERGIRLFACE!!!” Bren shouts at her defeated opponent.
.
Moments later Bren sent Nasty Skank Pike of 37 inches packing with a message for her friend. For awhile we thought we were Okey-dok in the neighbourhood again. The sun broke from behind the clouds and we lounged out to the sweet sounds of silence under warm rays of Vitamin D. Things were peaceful……………… but below, in the cold darkness, maybe behind some piece of rotting structure, skank Dirty Scuz Nasty Pike two waited to pounce.
SHE SPRANG!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ screamed the reel. Caos insued, utter pikedemonium. Dirty Scuz Nasty Pike using sniper skills momentarily stunned Bren……..
.
But just not for long though.
The Vitamin D of the sun had cured all ailments from Bren’s earlier battle with 37 Nasty Pike. She healed fast and between rounds pressed buttons A & B as rapidly as possible in order to build energy like Little Mac did in that old Nintendo game Mike Tyson’s Punchout. Remember that shit guys? Awesome!!! Anyways…
Entering round two Bren snuck in three quick jabs and gained some stars. When Scuz Nasty Pike Dirty took a swing and miss Bren pressed her start button and using her stars KO’d the big fish. As her coach I couldn’t have been happier.
.
I’m not telling how big Scuz Nasty was becuz you’re all just dirty birdies for even guessing.
And that was that. The afternoon sailed by. We mustard and relished in our accomplishments. Trophy pike on Kesagami and we were on ’em like flies on honey on bears eating rice. It was nice.
Thinking of food I set the rod down on my chair and got up for some banana bread. Mmmmmm chocolate chips-O-MY-GOSH MY ROD IS HEADING DOWN THE HOLE!!!
No real time to set the food down I was left no choice but to enter into combat with King Koopa Bowser.
.
Power of the banana in hand I did battle Bowser with the long rod Excalibur. He proved a very cunning adversary possessing veteran skills and super-pike strength, wasn’t sure during some moments whether to defend thyself or continue eating the moist and delicious bread.
Bowser’s rage grew though as the time wore on, and cloaked under a veil of ice the randy rogue threw fireballs of hate and daggers of just a wicked-gnarly Swiss Army make. Chomping at the bits (of walnuts in the banana bread) I shielded myself from the attack waiting for a moment to go all Spartan King Leonidas on Bowser. And then that time came…
.
I sprung from under the shield and using Excalibur thrust hard at Bowser. And I won.
Bowser submitted, laying defeated just then on thy lap. Becoming my P.B. – personal beeyotch that is!
.
And a picture for my mom all smiley and grown-up like too. Here ya go babe, aren’t ya proud of your son the great Ninja Spartan Chuck Norris Fish Slayer he turned out to be. Haha!
.
After I set all 23+ pounds of 43 inch Bowser free to swim again it was getting late so we packed up our gear and summoned Pegasus to take us home.
*** this one is for you Wayne***
Once in the clouds on Pegasus 206 a gorgeous sunset guided Bren and I back to Moose Olympus.
.
Newt and Toot were waiting when we got home and were very excited when we shared our legends of leviathan Kesagami Pike.
KESAGAMI STRIKES BACK.
.
We’d caught word that Kesagami lake was building an army empire of trophy pike and droid walleye. Fearing that someone may catch them first, Bren and I along with our friend Gillian joined up as a rebel alliance to overthrow evil plots of grandeur by any other unworthy anglers.
Sunday March 11th we climbed aboard the Millenium “206” Falcon and hit light speed towards the deep subarctic wilderness bush on Planet Kesagamium. Captain Dexter was Solo at the helm.
Windchill was -38C that morning but warming up enough to fly. Daylight-speed savings time had my body in a deprived state but we were ready warp. On the way in I couldn’t get the song “Jungle Boogie” out of my head. In fact, I hummed the lyrics and the brass section over and over again in preparation for our battle.
Upon landing we prepped our artillery. The usual weapons for jiggin’ and riggin’ were laid out and I got to work drilling out our old holes. The day was frickin’ cold with the wind.
Sixth hole into the rotation I find grease and spare walleye bits in the hole. A quick realization that someone had landed here the day before. I did not want to work too hard and relocate because of the fear of overheating then suffering hours of chills in the deep space cold so, I stuck with the plan but drilled only one new hole to replace the poopy wasted one.
Not long after setting up day camp on Kesagamium a probe pike wandered into our territory. Gillian was quick investigate with me at her side.
.
The probe was equipped with a number of defense mechanisms to prevent capture but Gillian herself having three young children is well trained in chasing down probes, securing the scene and exposing the truth. Gillian did just that with this probe 35-36″ pike.
.
Around lunch time our Rebellion began to feel as though the droid-eyes were not overly numerous in our area. Taking a break, I retrieved the “brand new” regulator from my coat and fired up our Coleman Instamatic Food Materializer 3000. As our goulash cooked a Tie Fighter broke over the horizon and landed on Kesagamium.
As soon as the Fighter touched down, from the eastern bushes two Skidoo Crafts came tearing towards us. One as it was approaching veered off to the Tie Fighter while the other met our Rebellion.
A large Cree Wookie got off his skidoo and introduced himself as John MacDonald with the MNR. He carried a primitive taser but seemed nice enough and wore the badge of a peacekeeper. He asked me for intergalactic fishing pass.
Upon reading the name on the permit the large Wookie says “You must be Moosebunk? We’ve heard about you.” “Is that a good or bad thing for me” I sheepishly replied. Then we laughed.
The Wookie and I talked a long time about Kesagamium’s army of trophy pike and droid walleye. We discussed the areas politics, special interests, policing, past, present and possible future. This Wookie John MacDonald turned out to be related to Dexter Solo our pilot who flew us in. He also may have dated my sister-in-law a few thousand light years ago back on another planet called James Bay. Our Rebellion befriended the Wookie John MacDonald and allowed him to view all our artillery and captured droid-eyes.
The MNR Wookies left after some time but I am certain we will be visiting with them again on Kesagamium. Once I finished the goulash I approached the Tie Fighters. There were two crafts now which landed on the ice and three aliens were cramping our Rebellion’s style by co-habitating a little too close.
After initial greetings I learned these “fellas” were from Timmins. Turns out one of them knew of the cyber-space phenomenon known as me, “Moosebunk.” Couldn’t be all that bad I figured. (even though they greased garbaged my hole and fished pretty well up me arse, (laugh out loud)…… But they were probably thinking I was not planning to fish there again.
Turns out they weren’t bad doods at all. A few nice fellas indeed, they befriended our Rebellion. I hinted to them before our departure back to base, that in future in order to conquer Kesagamium’s army of droid walleye and trophy pike, they need not be on top of us but instead over yonder some in the vast area as.
Upon my return, small waves of droid-eyes were attacking Gillian and Bren, a number of them being captured. Dexter returned in the Millenium 206 Falcon too, telling us that he saw an army of 30 or more Moose clumped together in parties to the north.
The winds of the day were finally settling and a warm soothing air heated by the seven suns was providing a spectacular stage for our final battle against the droid-eyes.
A platoon of larger droid-eyes came in and Bren captured one.
.
She attached a message to this droid-eye that warned the empire of trophy pike
which had eluded us on this day, that, we would return again when the moon is not new, but it is full. And, that they better prepare for battle then cause we weren’t leaving without one. The droid-eye was released.
.
Minutes later a large jed-eye and I fought. This one battled unlike any other. With it’s masterful jed-eye skills it cut off my lure by getting it hung up on the ice. I was devastated and now require repair.
We may have seemingly lost the battle this time, but we will win the war on Kesagamium’s trophy pike and droid-eyes.
.
KESAGAMI GROUNDS AND POUNDS.
The Cessna 206 had issues through mid march. Out of commission a couple weeks, plans for the southern’ers Ransome and HOF to fish with me unfortunately fell apart. Had things worked out though, the boys would have been in for -20 to -40C windchills and the likelihood of not flying at all due to that cold and high winds. Who in their right mind would want to spend a couple full days fishing while exposed to that anyhow? 😉
A seemingly long wait between bouts of pike and eye fishing Bren and I were finally able to make the return on Thursday March 27th more than two weeks after the last visit.
Because of no southern visitors we went in for the first time with no live bait for the walleye. Didn’t worry Bren at all as she’s always confident fishing there with deads. Our work was cut out for us, maybe. With longer days now we opted for a 9:00am departure out of Moosonee.
On approach to our fishing hole, far off in the distance, my eyes were playing tricks as I thought I was seeing a huge blue and white moose. A fly over concluded that the beast actually appeared to be a large Toronto Maple Leafs fan, fishing alone. Not to be rude, once we landed Bren and I began walking over to introduce ourselves.
I had reservations at first because it’s believed that Leafs fans are a strange brood; a rumor likely true, and a possible explanation for even my own wife’s oddities. Closing in now I gazed at this big fella in awe. His shiney colossal head massive and painted with a pinkish glowing blush, I had guessed we made the mistake of thinking that this warped melon was actually a 60-point rack.
He stared downward into his single hole and made no movement.
“Hello there, great morning for a fish.” I hailed. The unalarmed man remained still. A second attempt I shouted, “EH, HOW’RE YA DOING EH MY GID MAAN?” speaking louder and all accented-like as if we were on the Tah-rana metro. Bren and I were suddenly shocked, and once the man strained to finally lift that huge planet on the end of his neck we realized it was Mats… Mats friggin’ Sundin, Toronto’s team captain and all time half decent hockey player.
“MATS, OHHH MATS,” Bren barked as she went into an immediate head-to-tail spin, “It’s sooo nice to meet you. What are you doing here all alone ice fishing?” Looking around I realized he kept no belongings with him, no auger, no scoop, no food, no nothing except an empty Gatorade bucket and an ice fishing rod. Heck, strangely he was dressed in his skates and hockey equipment. “Yeah man, what the frizzick are ya dizzoing, out hizzere alone? Where’s yer stuff, where’s your pizzeeps, homey?” I questioned him using city lingo so he’d maybe understand. Tears came to Matseses eyes and he struggled to find words, “I was on a playoff hunt, but it lead me nowhere.”
.
This dood was distraught, he kinda bummed me out. Shit, any Leaf’er should be used to failure, it’s all they know and do really. We talked for awhile and Bren got a picture with her hero. When I asked how he managed that hole through four feet of ice he told me that just one drip of sweat from his brow melted its way to the water below. About the rod, he replied that after the All-Star break this year and some years past, he’s begun keeping it with him knowing that at any moment his season will likely be over. I asked Mats what his favorite fish to fish for is, and his one word answer pretty much summed things up, “crappie,” go figure. I told him Kesagami was no crappie lake at all, and that the fishing is really quite exceptional. I questioned as to what he thinks the problem really is? Mats sadly expressed, “I believe I could do better but my earnings of 60 million just doesn’t leave enough to buy a good team around me, and my talent alone isn’t enough Bunk. I need a team to succeed with but instead they give me Cryin’ McCabe, a Pilon-akorovsky and a mouthy little Darcy Fucker.” “Excuses,” I told Mats. “Lines always have their ups and downs yet eventually you should be capable of hooking the prize.” Matseses response, “yeah, well we caught a nice one in 67 okay.” I could sense that his lack of trophies was a sore spot but I needed to ask just one more thing, how the heck did he end up here in the middle of nowhere..? Retreating back into his state of despair Captain Mats just mumbled away in broken Swedish, possible saying Ferguson, or McCabe, or not “waving” goodbye or “trading Santa Clause” or something like that.
Peeling Bren away from massaging and trying to console Mats we left the dood be and moved far away to our own area to get to fishing.
In all seriousness and reality though, it was kind of a miserable weather day, gusty and cold. When we did arrive on the lake two locals out of Moose Factory were already there and fishing a big spread right down the chute in the middle of the lake. Turns out they had been camping a few days and not catching too many…. Bren and I kept our distance and drilled holes in sort of a new spot.
After the hour and a half process of getting all things set-up I was exhausted and a bit discouraged. A couple of the tipdown holes for pike seemed way too shallow and, Bren wasn’t hitting the walleyes in good speed. I redrilled a couple pike holes in time then decided we’d stick it out and see what happens.
The day continued to beat on us with wind and scattered flurries, the holes often filling quickly with a foot of slush and making for more work cleaning.
Around 1:00pm way off in the distance we saw two dark objects move quick across a shoreline then behind a point. I said to Bren, “MNR is coming in again on skidoos.” Well, we waited, and after twenty minutes decided to start cooking lunch on the camp stove.
It was weird, for while I sat stirring the chili I kept saying to Bren that it felt like eyes were on me. Then those eyes finally appeared.
.
I laughed about my mistake. Those hadn’t been snowmobiles but instead two lone caribou traveling in the distance. Thing is, those beasts can really move. Before long they were staring our group down, as well as the other two Moose Factory fellas; and one man had snow-shoed quick to get his gun. The bous for a moment remained too far for a shot, then they began moving towards the treeline and us.
.
The two bulls made a smart decision keeping their distance while out in the open. Once along the trees they inched closer to Bren and I. We were about 80 meters apart from the caribou and 150 meters or so behind us was the gun man, Bren and I were totally in the line of the fire. The caribou stopped one last time and glared, then stepped into the safety of the forest.
Bren loved that. Growing up she had only ever seen dead caribou which her brother or father would bring home from a hunt.
Fishing continued to be slow for Kesagami standards. One pike setup fired hard at some point but before I could get up from the chair it righted itself and that was that. Early afternoon Bren caught a new fish species for her and strangely, the first perch I have witnessed while living and fishing in the north. She was quick to ask if we could eat it… “Ummm YEAH!!!”
.
Think if I was a perch swimming around under the ice in the dark on this lake, I’d be the most scared creature on earth. So we put the poor fishes fears to rest.
A little while later Bren followed up the perch with a decent pike she caught while jiggin’.
.
By the same means I released a similar sized pike as well during the afternoon, but my best fish of the day turned out being a nice sized walleye in the three pound range.
.
When Johnny arrived in the plane we couldn’t have been happier. We had a good time on the lake, we always do, yet the cold and wind really drained us over the nine hours we endured it. The new spot kind of failed me too, but I’m not convinced that if the weather had been more stable that we would have put a bigger hurt on the trophy pike anyways. All in all we did pretty good though as Bren and I caught 29 walleye, four pike and the perch. I’m not sure about Mats..? If he did catch any fish at all, my guess is that they never really counted for a single thing anyway. Maybe next year he’ll find a trophy to make up for it.
.
RETURN OF THE JEDEYES.
After thawing out from our cryogenic frozen state, the next day Bren and I still quite stiff and tired suited up for battle on Kesagamium once again. The plan was an early attack on the lake. First, we would regain our stronghold at the pre-established settlement, then surround the perimeter with big gun tipdowns. Strategically we would take down as many droid-eyes as we can, reconvert big evil jedeyes back to our team, and finally get Bren inside for a showdown with a new P.B. trophy Vadar pike. (I called it that morning before boarding the plane… ahem, Cessna falcon)
Landing on Kesagamium I thought maybe we took a wrong turn in hyperspace. Below the surface snow was slush… much like the mushy Degobau system. Pulling our sleigh we slogged through the dangerous terrain and found the remanants of our past honey hole.
The morning was mainly sunny and calm, setting up was comfortable. Before long though, droideyes were spotted probing our base. Bren easily held fort killing ten droids and one Sith pike of about 35 inches. I wasn’t really fighting all that hard during that time but helped out and killed one droid for shits and gigs.
.
It wasn’t too long afterward that the Rebellion showed up to help.
.
Working another area to the south they battled with a number of droid-eyes. To the west a couple Chewbaccas out of Moose Factory (who had been around for days and surely must have smelled like a couple rank Wookies by then) were busily tending to droid-eyes firing on tipups. To the east Bren and I secured our perimeter until there was a breach on a southern gun-rod stronghold.
I set off on the attack, leaving Bren behind to man the chowder on the stove. Once there I could see heavy damage to the rod yet it remained intact. Released it from auto then manually fired the hook. A good Sith pike challenged back from the darkside below.
The battle was quick. Using the force, the pike was overpowered and defenseless. It rolled on the leader too.
.
Coming atop the hole it was realized a worthy 41″ adversary had indeed been defeated. My robotic left leg could barely contain itself with excitement.
.
Finally, appendages and sith pike under control, we got a shot for the archives.
.
While Bren and I were taking photos of this pike the alarm bells were going off back at base. My Sith pike had only been a diversion and now another threat existed inside the main perimeter. Had to subdue this one fish while Bren was sent running to the challenge back home. When she arrived and set the hook I received a message, “IT’S ON BABY!!!”
“Read ya loud and clear,” then responded in light speed. Another Sith pike was wreaking havoc on our inner defenses but Bren used her Jedi mind tricks and fooled the pike into sticking it’s head up the hole. Once that was done it was over for the enemy.
.
I didn’t size this pike up but gave it about 36 inches of frickin’ evil. The Sith may have been headed for a bonk on the noggin’ then the table, but after it pleaded for it’s life and sworn allegiance to our Rebellion it was released.
.
The battle pressed on well into the afternoon. The skies clouded over slowing the droid-eyes and Sith pike which both seem to bite better with solar energy. The winds from the north again started to blow.
During a period of rest I was abruptly awoken in my lawnchair tie-fighter when surprised by an attacking Boba Fett pike. Cunning and stunning weaponry and a master of assault, there was no time to defend yet the shields held and I set off after Boba into deep space. Boba Fett pike screamed line off the reel in one long, long, long run before snapping the jiggin’ spoon from a leaderless tractor beam line. Into an asteroid field that piece of space-junk escaped.
The day was coming to an end and I was just chilling-killing droideyes. Bren was still up on me in numbers after her 11 to 1 start but I was closing the gap quick. Hooked into a droid-eye Bren shouts out, “that rods down!” And she kicks it into high gear to our eastern tip-down.
Didn’t think we’d get attacked from the east today as the water below the ice there was almost too skinny at around nine inches deep. Before Bren got to the rod it had reset into position looking like the sniper had vanished.
She picks it up, sets the hook and makes about three sudden turns on the reel. Vadar pike had been lurking below but Bren surprised him with just one swing of her light sabre, pulling his head instantly into the hole-vortex-jedi-trap rendering Vadar totally defeated. It was freaking rad! Never seen it happen before. Bren destroyed Vadar pike in like two seconds with just one perfect move.
.
Vadar wasn’t happy none at all. He tried to tell us he is our father but we weren’t buying his “bullSith.” We had him now and there was no escaping.
.
We won. Vadar pike now finished his empire on Kesagamium would soon crumble. The rein of the Sith pike was over. Bren held her new P.B. true trophy pike high and man was I happy for her.
.
During the after party with the two Chewbaccas, a bunch of Ewoks, ninjas, Spartans, Mats Sundin, the entire Rebellion and our pilot John Solo, I found out my wife was really my twin sister, Princess Brenda, who had been separated from me at birth for our protection. Didn’t bother me none though, cause that’s just how we roll on Kesagamium.
.
* Play Star Wars finale music here –
Anyone visiting Kesagami please release these great trophy pike to enjoy catching again another day.
.
Bunk.
.